The sun sets on another day…
Sunset was beautiful, and I was in the car on a bridge without a camera. It is true the sky was dark on the horizon, but a spectacular gap made the sky light up like molten fire, and the colors danced across the horizon as though pixies of passion were set loose on the world. It was wow.
I wrote about similar here and about 30 other places I did not find yet. It can be complex as many topics sometimes merge to one.
I was reading through a bunch of posts and came across someone talking about boundaries and forgiveness. To them if you forgive someone you have to set up boundaries. I thought about this long and hard and started a conversation which died probably because I wasn’t instantly caving to their point of view. I understood exactly what they were saying, but to me if you set up boundaries or walls you are not truly forgiving someone you are entering a different level of a relationship.
This is where the idea of forgiveness gets complex. If you forgive someone and set up boundaries, you’re relationship will never be the same. Their relationship with you can never be the same again either because you will set artificial boundaries that will dictate how you interact and the levels of involvement either of you can have. It is a cold and bitter circle as those boundaries can grow and become walls rather quickly.
The harsh part is when you start creating boundaries and walls your next step is to apply those to everyone. It’s not something you necessarily want to do but it’s something that will happen.
Consider for a moment: You have loaned money to several people, and they have not paid you back. The easy thought is that if those people ask you for anything again you will not loan them money, and this makes sense. They have proven they are a bad asset, and they will not likely pay you back. When someone else asks you for money whether you mean to or not your new bias will apply to them as well. you can’t help it, it is an if/then/else statement that is part of learning. This happens with far less complex and far more complex situations.
How do you deal with this complicated situation? If you are going to forgive someone for doing something acceptable you have to acknowledge that either you’re setting the bar permanently forever or setting the bar for them differently and communicating it effectively. This will likely change your relationship with that person forever. If you don’t communicate the bar with them, it will be a surprise when it comes up. If you do communicate it with them, it will likely cause difficult feelings. Sometimes it is better to walk away in difficult places if you know the forgiveness will lead to your pain or demise.
In the end it is all up to you to decide who you want to be. In my opinion it is better to change yourself and come up with a solution that fits better. Using the example above I decided to stop loaning people money. I will help them in any way possible, but I will never give someone cash again unless it is an absolute emergency. I forgave them and did not make them any different from anyone else, I changed the way that I interacted with the world. It is here that we will have the ability to understand forgiveness and to avoid the bitter walls that we can easily build.
An example of a wall is deciding that I can’t trust anyone with money. this is not an accurate belief, but many people get to that quickly. Instead, I trust everyone with money I just decide that they will not have my money. Again, this is very simple and some of the more complex issues come from human interaction and intense emotions and how close will it people to our heart. I have had my heart broken many times and I try to keep it open, but I know I have deep walls that are very high. A post for another time.
So as the sun sets on another day, consider well your boundaries and walls remember that sometimes the only person you need to fix is in the mirror. Help that person be better every day, no matter what.
Sleep sweet, love life, and be you…
