The sun sets on another day…
(Welcome to my mind)
Behind the clouds and over the hill, the colors shone like fiery fill. The sky was beauty, and the wind was cool, and I never will tire of the tools that bring the night and its golden gaze and show my always the light of day.
There are so many songs that come to mind when I think about life. As I do so I often wonder about Robin Williams. I know it’s a pretty silly thing to think about a major comedian and fantastic actor. He did a lot to make other people happy but struggled himself with the chaos constantly in his mind. In one of his stand ups he had a bit about allowing others to step inside of his mind, after he did the door creaked open and suddenly there was a scream with the words “ohh no not today ” and then the sound effect of the door slamming shut.
As I sit here now, I feel the same. The positivity of life overwhelms me every day. There is so much to be thankful for even when there seems to be nothing to be thankful for. At the edge of it all, the controlled chaos is there as well. The chaos brought on by 1000 little things and 1000 thousand more.
Last night, the rabbit hole was about bathrooms in all the houses I have lived in. As I slowly fell into a light thoughtful state I found myself counting all of the houses I lived in. From the time I can remember to the time I was 15 I can count 14 houses and one trailer. The trailer was the 1st house I lived in. The memories I have of it are sometimes spotty and I have to work very hard to remember past the major events. My stitches, my dad, and several other things that called to me and made me think about the trailer. To be fair we left the trailer when I was 2 1/2. I shouldn’t remember any of it but I remember quite a lot.
The rabbit hole was deep but as I have delved into each and every house and thought about the different rooms in the house until I could finally focus on the bathroom, I realized there was something else on my mind. The question that came to me was “why am I the way that I am?” And that answer became very difficult. As I was thinking about bathrooms and bedrooms and my poor little dead turtle who crawled underneath my dresser when I was 10 trauma I realized there were complications everywhere. I was reminded of friends and many other people including those that helped my life become better and those that shaped my life to be more challenging.
In the midst of it all I considered why my passion was at the forefront of everything I did. Why is it that some people just sit back and watch the world while others engage and try to change the world? Why is it that some people are patient and calm and others advance almost recklessly? A lot of additional questions came up. I wondered about my mistakes. I considered the depths of my anger. I thought a lot about what forced me to become something akin to a monster. I thought about the situations that we all face and as I still thought about the bathrooms in every house that I had I wondered why I was thinking about all of the rest of the stuff at the same time.
In my thoughts I acknowledged that we are all a sum of all that we are. I’ve said this before, and there’s that thought about it I thought about my children and all they had become. The near limitless drive of each and every one of them. The cunning and tenacity of my eldest daughter. The analytical fury and empathetic nature of my youngest daughter. The protectiveness of my son and his desire to make everything OK for everyone else first. There I was again.
And that took me to a sad place. I had given my children a lot of the best that I am, my father had not been able to do the same for me. Perhaps I have some foundations because of him, but my sister and I have raised ourselves with very little oversight and very little guidance. There were times that were tough, and there were times that were tougher. In the end neither of us turned out bad but it wasn’t all good for either of us.
Here I sit after sunset tonight, still thinking about bathrooms and paradoxes of life. Still thinking about my children. Still thinking about the decisions I made. And still realizing that there is a hole that may never be filled by knowledge, power, passion, or more. A hole that is inside of me. It’s not a bad thing, but I have to realize every day that the foundations of my life that were set when I was six years old have forced me to search for a windmill I may never find.
How about you? Have I scared you? Are you reading this and wondering if I’m going down the rabbit hole still? How deep can a rabbit hole go? How deep does your rabbit hole go?
So as the sun sets on another day, passion is defined as near limitless emotion. Some people think it only applies in one or two places, but in truth it can apply to any emotion. Find your passion, hold on to your passion, and make your passion the driving force for your happiness every day, no matter what.
Sleep sweet, love life, and where do all these rabbits come from…